Commentary: Ah, the lure of small towns

AUSTIN, Texas — Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin's touting of the wonders of small-town values in her acceptance speech reminded me of my ride in a red convertible a few weeks ago while serving as the grand marshal of the Bastrop (Texas) Homecoming Parade .

I was chatting with my driver, a Bastrop businessperson who shall remain anonymous, about how reporters at this newspaper hadn't been able to get in contact with defrocked Bastrop County Sheriff Richard Hernandez .

Hernandez had lost his sheriff's job and done 90 days in jail for using county inmates and county resources to build and sell high-dollar barbecue pits to line his own pockets . But he was out of the joint, and he was about to open a barbecue joint in Elgin. That sounded to me like an ironic story worth chasing. But Hernandez wasn't coming to the phone.

"I have his cellphone number," my driver said.

When I called the sheriff, he sounded surprised that I had his number, which is surprising in itself. A small-town sheriff should know that small towns have no secrets. If you have a wart in a small town, people know where you picked up the frog. If you eat breakfast at the Chat 'N Chew at 8 a.m., when you walk into the bank at 9, the teller's going to ask you, "How'd you like them eggs?"

One of the small-town values Palin didn't mention is that everybody knows your business. I know, because I grew up in a small town. Here are some other small-town values Palin didn't specify.

In small towns, you don't have to use your turn signals because everybody in town already knows where you're going.

If two people are having a fling, folks in town know about it three days before anyone's even swapped spit.

Everybody in town can list eight or nine good reasons why all the candidates running for city council shouldn't be elected. And several of the reasons have to do with your nutty in-laws.

The town mail carrier can tell you who gets child support checks in the mail, when they're supposed to arrive and how long it'll be before the old lady goes looking for the deadbeat dad with her rolling pin.

The locals can tell you who is at the saloon by checking the trucks that are parked out front and what time a fistfight is going to break out later that night based on whose trucks are sitting out there.

If there's a drug bust, everyone in town can tell you which house got hit, what kind of dope the cops found and how long it'll be before the dealer gets a new shipment.

Now, there are some real small-town values for you. Makes you want to move to the country, huh?

John Kelso writes for the Austin American-Statesman.